


More Than a Feeling

by almostjulie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Finn-centric, Finn-trospective, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 23:12:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12199317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almostjulie/pseuds/almostjulie
Summary: Like a puzzle piece sorted into the wrong box, Finn always knew he belonged somewhere, but not with the First Order. He hopes he belongs with the Resistance.





	More Than a Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

Finn has always been a tactile person. In the First Order, though, he lived most of his life covered up -- gloves, armor, helmet. Besides, the First Order was all sharp edges and smooth surfaces. Aside from the scratchy sheets in his bunk, there just wasn’t much texture. 

There is texture on Jakku, certainly. Hot, gritty sand that shifts under his boots and clings to his sweaty skin; Rey’s hand in his, firm and warm. Finn’s glad to leave the planet behind: the galaxy has so much more to offer -- Jakku can’t be the best of it.

The _Millennium Falcon_ is a revelation, too. It’s the first time he’s on a ship that’s not in impeccable care. He’s been stationed on several First Order Star Destroyers in his lifetime, but they’ve all sprung out of the same mold, with factory-ready perfection that Finn doesn’t give much thought to the backing funding of until much later. The _Falcon_ looks -- and feels -- like it’s been through a lifetime or five and carries stories with it that would be fascinating if one only knew how to listen. It has worn cushions on the seats, jury-rigged controls that create a hodgepodge of buttons and levers for his fingers to coast over, scars and burn marks from blaster bolts and worse in the walls. 

Takodana confirms what he has known all his life but that the First Order did its best to hide: that the galaxy is not black and white, order and chaos, light and dark. That, instead, it is full of diverse beings, tastes, sights, and sounds. When they land, and the warmth of Takodana’s sun hits his face, it’s much softer and welcoming that the harsh, burning assault of Jakku’s sun. They meet with Maz over a meal, and the different textures of food against his tongue, after a lifetime of primarily subsisting off of ration bars, is almost more exciting than the tastes. When Maz hands him the lightsaber, the metal feels different from any blaster he’s ever held, more _alive_. 

The first time he’s on D’Qar, Finn doesn’t get much time to take everything in. He’s more concerned about Rey than noticing the humidity in the air and how it fills up his lungs, or the way the creeping vines that seem to be everywhere feel underfoot. Time seems to slow when he sees Poe Dameron again, though. Maybe it’s a gift from the universe, so he can savor it. When they hug, every inch of him feels it. Poe’s gear gets trapped between them, and it almost painfully digs into Finn’s chest, but he’d put up with a lot worse to feel what the rest of him is feeling: warmth radiating off of Poe, the thick fabric of Poe’s flight suit under his hands, the thudding of his heart against his chest reminding Finn that they’re both very much alive. 

It’s over far too soon. 

He’s been on _Starkiller_ before, of course, but never outside the base, never in the woods, trudging through the snow. Never felt the scrape of branches against his face, like he does when he runs with Rey back towards the _Falcon_ , never before felt the cold of the snow like he does when he cradles Rey in his arms after Kylo Ren knocks her against a tree and she falls to the ground. 

The searing pain his his back, though, the last thing he remembers from _Starkiller_ , is not a sensation he ever wants to revisit. 

***

Everything moved so fast, those first few days after Finn made his choice and broke free. When he wakes up, Finn’s sure he’s on a Star Destroyer. There’s a lot that’s familiar: the hum of starship engines, the stale recycled air, the slightly halting catch of artificial gravity. But when he blinks his eyes open, it doesn’t look like any Star Destroyer he’s ever been on. The walls are worn and patched, and the light is softer. The medical droids, too, are different.

Finn coughs once, feels a dry scratch in his throat, and a human doctor across the room turns and walks briskly toward him. “We were hoping to wake you, but I didn’t expect it to work that fast. You’re full of surprises.” She’s dressed in a drab green, no insignia in sight. 

“Where am I?”

“Aboard the _Echo of Hope_. I’m Dr. Kalonia.”

The ship’s name is familiar from First Order approved reading material. Practically on instinct, the star cruiser’s specs run through his mind. 

Finn has so many questions, he’s not sure where to begin. “What happened,” he asks, the words passing slowly from his chapped lips.

Kalonia leans in, “What’s the last thing you remember?”

He concentrates, and it floods back. “Rey!” he shouts, trying to sit up, but his whole body protests -- his back most of all, an electric shock down the length of it. Dr. Kalonia is reaching out to gently press him back down. The bed is soft and yielding, but he doesn’t want to be in it. 

“She’s fine,” another woman says, walking through the door. As Finn’s head clears he can see it’s General Organa. “Taking a bit longer to drag my brother back here then I’d anticipated, but she’s not in any danger.” The General pauses, purses her lips, then amends. “Not in immediate danger, anyway, I don’t think.” She shakes her head, refocuses, and smiles at him. “There are a lot of people who are going to be very happy you’re awake.” 

He doesn’t believe her at first -- who would want to see him? -- but the steady stream of visitors proves her right. Everyone insists he’s a hero. He tells them all the same thing -- that he was just trying to do the right thing, for Rey. 

Poe doesn’t show up until the third day. He’s sweaty and he smells bad, because he’s just gotten back from a week-long mission, but he kicks everyone else out and sits at Finn’s bedside, squeezing his hand, and Finn doesn’t want him to leave. He doesn’t, until Lieutenant Connix barges in with a reproachful look and practically drags him out. 

After that, things are frustratingly slow, but eventually Finn gets back on his feet. 

“Welcome to the Resistance.” General Organa says, as she shakes Finn’s hand when he formally decides to stay. It’s a bit silly, Finn thinks. He’s been here for weeks, recovering, using up resources. 

Finn had told the General as much before, the second time she came to visit him. And the third. And the fourth. She always told him the same thing: that he was important, and valuable, that he was a hero. And that even if he wasn’t any of those things, the Resistance still would have a place for him, if he wanted it. 

“Well, after everything you’ve--” Finn starts to say, again, but she cuts him off. 

“Don’t stay because you think you owe us something. I promise you we owe you far more.” 

So instead he says, “It’s an honor to serve, ma’am,” because it seems like the right thing to say. Like a puzzle piece sorted into the wrong box, Finn always knew he belonged somewhere, but not with the First Order. He takes a deep breath, and hopes he belongs here.

***

They’d abandoned D’Qar for awhile, run the Resistance from of its fleet of starships. But it’s not a sustainable plan, they need something planet-side. Eventually, they go back to D’Qar and hope that the First Order won’t think to look there again; after all, it doesn’t make tactical sense to return. 

It’s General Organa’s idea. The base is pretty evenly divided between whether it’s brilliance or madness. Poe is firmly in the brilliance camp. 

“Of course you are,” Finn says. “It sounds like one of your plans.” 

They’re outside, sprawled in a field just beyond the tarmac, resting after the long first day of moving back into base. There’s grass tickling Finn’s neck. 

“Well, what do you think?”

Finn’s been asked this question already, when the decision was being made and Command was looking for some First Order insight. He tells Poe the same thing he told Admiral Ackbar. “It’s a good plan. The Order just doesn’t think like that. They’re more into abandoning things and burning them to the ground.” 

***

Now that they’re back on firm ground, new routines emerge, along with new experiences. 

It turns out the living hum Finn had felt in the lightsaber wasn’t just in his imagination. So he spends a lot of time with Rey and Luke, learning to tap that energy, control it, use it for good. He helps Rey up when he knocks her down in training, feels the callouses on her hands (thinks about the hard work and sacrifice that put them there). He knows he has callouses on his hands, too. 

Most nights, after they’re both off duty, he spends time with Poe. Sometimes it’s laughing over a holo, sometimes it’s playing a board game with the techs, and sometimes its sitting together in their quarters, on their bunks, reading or doing paperwork. Once, Poe convinces him to climb the tallest tree around to watch the sunset. The tree bark is rough under his hands and there’s a pulling tightness along the scar on his back as he climbs, but Finn doesn’t stop until they’re at the top. 

They sit together, just above the tree line, and Poe tells him about the Force Tree back home, until Jess Pava finds them and yells up, in sing-song, “Finn and Poe, sitting in a tree --” 

Poe shouts down to her, “I swear to the Maker, Jess, if you keep going I’m assigning you to the daybreak shift.” 

They climb back down after Jess leaves in a huff. Without thinking, Finn reaches out to brush Poe’s hair back from where it’s fallen over his forehead. It’s softer than he expected, and he gets a flip-flop feeling in his stomach from the look Poe gives him when he does it. 

D’Qar is different from anywhere Finn has lived before, and most of the differences are good. The luxury of water instead of sonic ‘freshers is one of Finn’s favorite indulgences, and he probably spends too long on his showers -- he can’t get enough of the warm water against his skin -- but no one ever reprimands him for it. 

Life here is vibrant, and the First Order seems even more muted in retrospect. Finn continues to train to be a Jedi. He learns to fly too. The first time he flies an A-Wing on his own and breaks through atmo, he feels his heart soar, and finally understands the feeling that all of the pilots have been trying to describe to him. 

***

Once, Finn wakes up from a nightmare, and stumbles out of bed, out of their shared room, and down the hall to the communal ‘fresher block to dry heave. Poe’s only a half a minute behind him and doesn’t say a word, just comes and rubs small circles on Finn’s back until his head clears enough to turn and slump against the cool wall. 

Poe sits down next to him and when Finn’s breath evens out completely, says, “Anything I can do?”

Finn isn’t sure. It’s going to take time to move beyond his past. But outwardly, he says, “Just talk to me.” 

“About?”

“Whatever you want.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, Finn sees Poe look up at the ceiling. “I ever tell you about how Karé and I met?” 

“Nope.”

Poe shifts closer, erasing the few inches between them. Finn leans into him. “This is a good one...” 

By the time they get up to go back to their room, Finn’s sides hurt from laughing so much, and and thinks maybe time isn’t the only thing he needs, maybe his relationships can help him through, too. 

***

Over the next few days, he thinks about how the beings here make him feel: the steady friendship from Rey that he can feel down into his soul; the elation he felt when his new squadron -- Gold -- enveloped him, shouting and hollering in celebration after their first mission together; the surprisingly comforting hugs Chewbacca gives; the solid weight of Poe’s arm, slung casually across his shoulder anytime they walk anywhere, making him feel like a part of something bigger.

He catches Poe in the hangar, working on _Black One_. Poe turns and beams at him, and then frowns a little. He wipes his hands with a rag and says, “You have a very serious look on your face -- everything okay?” 

Finn’s stomach does the flip-flop thing again. He nods and walks forward until he’s right in front of Poe. Poe waits. Finn is so close that he can feel his breath against his cheek when Poe exhales out his nose. 

Then Finn is reaching out, taking Poe’s head in his hand, tilting it up, just slightly. Finn feels a rasp of stubble under his thumbs as he runs them along Poe’s jawline, and tastes koyo melon on his tongue when they kiss. 

***

He wants to stay here forever, back flush against Poe’s chest, playing with the little hairs on Poe’s arms, feeling the last rays of daylight kiss his skin, and then stay longer, until the moons rise. 

Instead Finn gets up, pulls Poe to his feet along with him. They both have work to do. And finally, Finn thinks, he knows where he fits.


End file.
